The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Lisa Richard Lizzie Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Postal Bomb TOM Hope Rises They called it the clinic. The oldest would quip it use-to-be a department store. It mattered little because the medical corporation that ran it was long gone. And nothing matching that level of business structure was present north of the golden gate. We were on our own. The handful of providers that were able to scale down to the bone and still provide had a near saintly aura about them. My wife was the pillar that held it all together. When she spoke her truth people put their faith in her judgement. With little hope in sight the clinic is. NORVAL JOE After they had showered, dressed, and eaten breakfast, the three headed off to school, all wearing loosely fitting hoodies and blue jeans. When Billbert and Sabrina turned onto the street toward the school, Linoliamanda continued across toward the hospital's outpatient clinic. "Mandi," Billbert called. "Where are you going?" "I'm going to see my dad. I haven't been to school in a week. I'm sure no one's going to miss me," she said and continued on. Billbert waited and watched her go until Sabrina pulled on his gray sweatshirt. "Come on Billbert. Mindi's right. I know that I won't miss her." LISA Breaking the Ice Valentines Day. Traditionally a romantic day for couples everywhere. Sally and Bob both liked each other but got tongue tied whenever they met so had actually never spoken. Fate intervened. It was a special day at their Doctors Surgery too – the annual Mole and Wart Removal Clinic. Most patients were treated in the waiting room and only more intimate areas were ‘done’ in a private room. So, skin tags were removed from necks, moles from bald heads and soon only Sally and Bob remained in the waiting room. They exchanged nervous glances before Sally stammered “D’you fancy a coffee after?” SERENDIPIDY It's known simply as 'The Clinic' Apparently the term is supposed to normalise the place and its purpose: Promote the idea that it's really no different to taking a trip to the fertility clinic, the hair loss clinic or any one of a myriad of other medical specialisations. They send you an appointment, and you pop in for a quick consultation with an expert. There's nothing particularly intimidating, scary or unusual about that. Except this isn't that sort of clinic. When you check in to this clinic, you're not going to be checking back out again. Anyway... welcome, to Switzerland. LIZZIE The toy clinic was closed. What now? The child looked at her mother with anguish. The mother knocked at the door feverishly until a light came on. What is it, we're closed. They knew, but... and the mother pointed at her child, a broken toy cradled in her arms. OK, let's do this. And the toy was put back together, slowly, with care. Years later, the child, now an adult, heard someone knocking feverishly. She turned the light on and opened the door. Let's do this. Everything will be OK. And another mother, another child, another toy could breathe again. RICHARD --- Sample --- The call to come in to the clinic was unexpected. I had no idea why I was there because there were a range of problems I'd been seeing my doctor about for the past few months. It must be connected with one of them, but the question was, what exactly? Too busy to talk, a nurse ushered me into a room, thrust a plastic pot into my hand and told me to leave my sample at reception, then rushed off. A sample? Of what? Urine, sperm, saliva, stool? I filled the pot with the dregs of my coffee, and left. PLANET Z My doctor can be hard to set an appointment for sometimes, so I walk into the nearby urgent care clinic for minor things. In and out, McHospital to the rescue. My cat chewed up my leg and hand, and I was given antibiotics. My fireplace rained soot into my eye, and I got eye drops and a tube of goop to wash ...

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He looked for reassurance among his crewmates, but they would rag on him and make him feel worse. So, he turned to the Internet, and found it hard to connect with other pirates. Tha'st when he developed his own app: Shiver Me Tinders. All day long, pirates flicked through the profiles of other pirates and swiped left or right to vote on them. Then, some hackers raided the user database and stole credit card numbers and passwords. George was forced to issue refunds, apologies, and to walk the plank.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. When Elon Musk uploaded George's consciousness to the Singularity, he became the virtual representation of a pirate. Elon hadn't bothered to render anything else, so the digital version of George floated around an empty landscape. "Hello!" shouted George. "Is this Heaven?" There was no response. After a while, he became bored, and then went stark raving mad. He slashed himself with his sword, but he was unable to cause himself injury. George screamed for an end to his torment. Elon turned down the volume and went out for coffee.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Every time he managed to do something right, he yelled "WHO WANTS A HUG?" Nobody wanted a hug from George. The last guy who got a hug from George, George forgot that he had a dagger in his hand, and he stabbed the guy in the back. George realized that nobody wanted a hug, so he stopped offering them. Instead, he would yell "YO, FIST BUMP, BRO!" And, once again, he forgot to take the dagger out of his hand. At least he paid for Lefty's new steel hook.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He remembered in the cartoons when Charlie would try to kick the football and Lucy would pull the football away at the last minute. So, he pondered a way to do this with pirates. "What if I make someone walk the plank, but just as they're about to walk the plank, I pull it away and they end up falling in the shark-infested water?" said George. "Then they're still in the shark-infested water anyway," said the captain, walking away. George went back to his bunk and sulked for days.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He liked to go to the movies, but he hated when he had to go to the bathroom in the middle of a film. So, he'd try to go before the movie, but those Cokes always went through him quickly and he'd have to get up and go anyway. He'd try to get through the movie without a Coke, but he'd get thirsty, and get up to buy one. And then he'd have to go to the bathroom soon after. George gave up, and watched movies on home video.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He was really good at carnival midway games, though. Instead of practicing with his sword and flintlock pistol, he'd stack up milk bottles and knock them down with a baseball. Or he'd set up a ring toss game. Or that squirt gun with the clown heads and balloons thing, whatever the hell that was. When he went to the carnival, he always came back with a huge bag full of stuffed animals. They weren't as valuable as buried treasure or hostages, but try giving your date a struggling hostage.

Lisa Richard Lizzie Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is Clinic LISA The Carer “It’s me!” I hear after a rattle of the key in my lock. It doesn’t tell me much does it? An endless troupe of people through my door. I wouldn’t mind if they were just here to chat but they feed me too and it seems like an invasion. They open my curtains when I want to sleep. Make me tea when I don’t feel thirsty. Bathe me when I’d rather not be naked in front of a stranger. “It’s me!” They say it again as they fill my kettle. A woman’s voice. “Mum, can you hear me? It’s me…” RICHARD -- It’s me -- "It's not you, it's me." Well tell me something I didn't know! And it doesn't exactly make me feel any better about breaking up! Of course it was her. She'd never made any effort in our relationship, leaving me to work my butt off to try and make it succeed. Now she wanted to end it, finally admitting she was at fault. "I'm sorry." I said. "But I'm not prepared to lose you. You really think that you're in charge… but, it's not you, it's me!" She protested of course, but it didn't stop me handcuffing her to the radiator. LIZZIE It's me. I'm the one who wrote that. When you look at me, you'll know what it's like to be me. But you don't look. You don't. You're inside yourself in a world of fantasy that exists only in your head. A chosen blindness that makes everything collapse. But you're not worried. No. You prefer it this way. You are you, and everyone else is not real. So, when you look in the mirror, you will pretend to find out what it's like to be me, and I'll say "that is me". But you won't know, and you won't care. TOM Shibboleth It’s me! Cried Benny. Silence. “Come on Rudy open the gate.” A slot appeared in the door and a note poked out. Benny read it. “I don’t remember the password. We change the password all the time.” Silence. “OK cupcake-tornado. Silence. A second note appear. “What do you mean last week?” It’s me, Rudy, your brother-in law. Silence. A third note appeared. Benny crumpled the paper. “I have no idea who Linda’s second grade teach was.” The sun was dipping into the horizon, not a good time to be in Zombie Ally. Benny slid a 100-pound note under the door. SERENDIPIDY That noise you hear in the dead of night, all cosy in your bed. The noise that stirs you into sweaty wakefulness, confused and fearful as you strain to hear, wondering if it's just your imagination, or if somebody else really is in the house. That's answered soon enough, when you hear the slow, muffled drag of footsteps along the hallway, the creak of the loose floorboard outside your bedroom door. With horror, you stare as the doorknob slowly turns, the sweat on your brow turning cold, the fear building into terror. The door swings open. I'm here. It's me! NORVAL JOE Billbert woke to someone shaking his foot and shouted in surprise. "Billbert. Calm down. It's me, Dad. Your mother had to go to work early, and you kids need to get up and go to school." Linoliamanda rubbed her eyes. "I don't have any clean clothes." Sabrina glared at Billbert when he said, "Mom bought Sabrina tons of new clothes yesterday. I'm sure you can use some of them." Sabrina shook her head. "She's too skinny for my clothes." Linoliamanda glared at the other girl. "I'm not that skinny!" Sabrina looked Linoliamanda up and down. "Well, parts of you are." PLANET Z Back in grade school, regular milk was five cents, chocolate milk was six. My mother would give my brother a dime and tell him to buy a regular milk for each of us. Instead, he bought chocolate milk, pocketed the change, and threatened to beat the shit out of me if I said anything. I would steal nickels and pennies from my father's coin collection, which I got beaten for. Then I said why. And my brother got beaten. Which got me beaten again. I keep a jar of spare change,

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. After several close calls, he gave up piracy and took a job aboard a cargo ship on the Atlantic. They carried Italian workers to America, and their mail home on the return trip. George looked through the envelopes. He couldn't read Italian, but the money that the workers sent home, well, what's one less dollar? When the Postal Service investigated, he'd pocket everything and sink the ship. Bad weather, they called it. Then he'd join another cargo ship under a new name. "Welcome aboard, Jorge!" "Thank you," said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. When his ship exploded, George clung to the figurehead and washed ashore on an island. He built a raft, and gathered up dead crewmates' corpses to use for buoyancy. The tide pulled him out to sea, he caught seagulls to eat. For days, he floated, dehydrated and starving. The experience drove him mad. When George made it back to Port Royal, he went berserk and killed some people before feeling back to the ocean. The Navy caught him, and his defense was getting the idea from some comic book.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. They say the worst and bloodiest of the pirates were possessed by The Devil himself. George, being not very good, and only bloody when he tripped and skinned his knees, was likely possessed by some minor spirit or supernatural presence. I suspect it was a part-time accountant for a small family business. One that was replaced easily by Quickbooks, and still somewhat sore about it. Unlike that kid who levitated her bed and vomited green pea soup, George had a slight facial tic. Nothing really worthy of an exorcism.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Being a pirate was enough for Tinkerbell to harass George constantly. One day, George managed to swat Tinkerbell with his cutlass, and he damaged her wing. The stricken fairy fell to the ground. George stuck her in a teapot and closed the lid. Tinkerbell sprinkled fairy dust on the teapot so it could fly, and she smacked George with it over and over. George filled the teapot with water, held it to the stove, and waited until Tinkerbell's screams were drowned out by its whistle. Then he made tea.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. So, he gave up being a pirate for a while. People still called him "George The Pirate" though. Even when he finished his medical degree and took up dentistry. He put an old treasure chest in the office for the kids to pick out a prize after their cleaning. But only if they were good. The bad kids are forced to walk the plank. Which really isn't so bad, since George's office is on the first floor. Not that he tells them that, as he puts the blindfold on.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. The other pirates bossed him around a lot, and made him do humiliating tasks for them. Lefty McGee, the pirate with a hook for a hand, would order George to pick his nose for him. "But you've still got your right hand," said George. "Can't you do that yourself?" "That, indeed, I do," said Lefty. "But it's kind of awkward to dig into my left nostril with it." George winced and refused, and he also drew the line at giving Lefty foot-rubs. "That gnarly peg leg gives me splinters."

Richard Lizzie Serendipidy Norval Joe Tom Planet Z The next topic is It's me RICHARD — Some bad hat — You had be to either brave or stupid to go out in public wearing it. It's not so much the style or design making it inappropriate, or that hats aren't my thing - I quite like them, really. Neither is it because it's a baseball cap… which I've always considered ridiculous on anyone no longer a teenager. It's the slogan printed on it that makes it a silly hat. If not a downright problematic one. But, it was a gift from my mum. And I'd have to be even braver or more stupid not to wear it, knowing she might find out! LIZZIE Hot chocolate for 25 cents. Silly hats get an extra free cup. And everyone made an effort. There were hats with books, hats with colorful feathers, hats with numbers, hats with beautiful flowers. But hers was the winning hat. It had happy chirping birds. At first, people thought the birds were tied to the hat. But they weren't! They were just sitting on it. And they weren't afraid either. How did you do it, people asked, mesmerized. She just walked around, sipping her extra cup of chocolate slowly and smiling. Animals know. They just know. A smile can do wonders! TOM Careful Tommy wore a brave silly hat. It was made of paper and cotton and things. It was kind-a pointed and kind-a round. Some thought it well … silly, others were impressed with the absolute conviction of his choice to place it on his head while carrying out his daily duties. Later in life he joined the order and rose rapidly in its ranks. Each level he reached was met with different silly hat. When Tommy was chosen Pope, he was given his last brave silly hat. What everyone was not ready for was the new pope’s name. Judas the first. SERENDIPIDY It wouldn't be long before he passed out, his body was fighting the drugs, but the challenge would eventually prove too much. It was simply a matter of time. Not that I was about to hang around until he lost consciousness. I had things to do: I had a children's party to arrange, and shopping to do, and the drugs would do their job, without me being around. Later, when I returned, and before the kids started to arrive, I'd get to work on preparing the party games. And he, would make the best game of Operation, they'd ever played! NORVAL JOE Billbert turned the TV to the nature channel, hoping the girls would soon get bored and go off to bed. Neither was willing to give up her claim before the other and eventually the two girls fell fast asleep. Feeling it was too much of a challenge to slip out without waking them, he settled in for the night. He would have to brave his parents' reaction when they found them in the morning, looking like they had all passed out on the couch. Billbert drifted off to a documentary about a lion and his lionesses on the African savanna. PLANET Z Every time the teacher called on Billy, he'd pass out and fall on the floor. He passed out a lot. The school nurse thought there was a serious problem, but Billy's parents were Christian Scientists and vegans. Instead of going to a doctor, they prayed over Billy. In the end, they prayed over his grave. The autopsy showed that Billy had severe malnutrition and other developmental problems that could have been easily resolved by adjusting his diet. Charged with child abuse and murder, the courtroom became a circus. Freedom of religion, their lawyers said. At least they never had another kid.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He bought a labelmaker to mark everything with its name so he could learn the proper pirate terminology. The captain drew the line at putting a label on his hat. "But it's okay for me to put one on your lapel that says CAPTAIN, right?" asked George. "No," said the captain. "In fact, get rid of these stupid labels right now." George went around the ship removing all of the white label stickers. It took him a while to reach the one marked GEORGE off of his own back.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He sent away for everything he could find in the ads in the back of magazines that might make him a better pirate. Strength pills, sea monkeys, lucky boxes... you name it, George ordered it. The first thing that arrived was a pair of hypnotic glasses. George wore them and tried to hypnotize his enemies. That didn't work so well. When George got out of the hospital, the captain wore the glasses to hypnotize George into being a better pirate. The doctor at the hospital said "Back so soon?"

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. When he'd try to blow open a safe, he had a habit of using too much gunpowder and destroying the contents of the safe. This made sense. George bombed the safe that contained his annual employee reviews, but it wasn't a good thing when it came to annihilating a safe full of money. Well, the Gold and Silver survived the blast. George just needed to pick through the wreckage for it all. Or pry it out of any unlucky bastards who happened to be standing around at the time.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. "Sweet Pirate of the Heart, Not Pirate of the Sea," Emily Dickinson called him. He spent a lot of time reading the latest verses she'd given him. He'd read them over and over, wondering when he could travel to Amherst for more. So absorbed in reading, he didn't notice the rocks ahead. No, not some spice's mutiny. Nor some Altar's Perfidy. Rocks. Large rocks in the water. That's what the ship wrecked on. George crawled ashore and looked around. Boston Harbor. George smiled and hired a carriage to Amherst.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. None of the other pirates respected him. Blackbeard, Redbeard, and Yellowbeard thought George was a clown. On the other hand, Frank Beard, the drummer for ZZ Top, respected George. He liked George, and invited him to join the band on every tour. George would sit up in the light rigging. It reminded him of a ship's rigging. With lights. When Frank sprained his wrist, he asked George to fill in for him. George was elated... until he actually tried to perform. George wasn't very good at the drums, either.