Kagro in the Morning

David “Golden Voice” Waldman mellifluously orated us through the week and off the ledge. We’re on our own now, but first: President Why Don’t You Just is out there just getting things done every minute. What things? Why? Don’t ask him, he doesn’t know and doesn’t care. He has staff for that. But Trump, like any boss will tell you, is the only one getting things done around here. That’s why he’s ordering all the lazy good-for-nothing remote workers to get their asses back to office where someone can assistant manage them. There! His boss part is done, the rest is just details. On to California to find out why don’t they just turn on the big water tap so people can flush their toilets on the fire? They could they just put immigrants on the fire line and… what? Details! What matters is that a lot gets done, whatever that might be. As long as things just get done, we can always go back and make corrections. Like the two DC cops who chased that kid with their SUV until he was run over. Pardon the cops, and as for the kid… That’ll buff right out. Must bosses think of everything? It’s up to teachers across the nation to figure out what to tell their children when an automatic weapon toting stranger enters a classroom and schoolmates disappear forever… and when that stranger wasn’t sent by the Feds. Wielding government to annihilate woke weaponized government is tricky business. Might need to crack a lot of eggs to make that omelet. The Leopards Ate My Face party will sometimes have to accept that a certain number of faces will be eaten by leopards. Lauren Boebert went to check the genitalia of someone in the restroom and came up empty handed. Andrew Puzder’s wife beating kept him from being labor secretary in 2017, but now he will be EU ambassador. Now, there’s probably nothing in the way of him beating his wife. Several congressional Gops were happy to attend Cassidy Hutchinson’s Jan. 6 testimony and texted her with details on how they would like to show her their happiness. Mike Johnson had to send his son an emergency boner alert.

Progress on David Waldman’s memecoin, $KAGRO, is moving along slow and steady… Kidding! 15 years and we don’t even have a t-shirt! In the meantime, you can show your solidarity and enthusiasm right here. Welcome to 2025... Project 2025 has commenced with President Why Don’t Cha farting out whatever EOs and affixing his skid mark to most of them… maybe somebody will check. Or not. It is only a matter of time before SCOTUS decides that whatever the (this) president thinks to himself will be law until someone says differently… and who is left to say differently? People believe that Trump made $50 billion from his memecoin. He didn’t, but as always it is more important to him that people believe that he did, and that he alone can. Keeping the mythos going is reason enough to let 1,500 J6 insurrectionists loose to rearm. When your lord is all-powerful, there’s no limit to what you can do. Instead of a wall, Trump’s declaring martial law, and Mexico will pay for it this time! (Not just any President can declare martial law, you know.) Leonard Peltier had to wait until he was 80 for freedom and it probably doesn’t include a discount at the local gun shop. It is the dawn of the golden age of the broligarchy, yet some bros are sad… perhaps a cyber-Galt Gulch will finally dry their tears.

RIP, Charles “Big Chuck” Schodowski. Man, that’s the end of an era that no one will ever recapture. You won’t see times like that again, guaranteed. David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are here to interrupt each other and some of our doomthinking for a couple of hours. The thumb-in-the-eye president is back to stick his thumb in more eyes. Voters with problems know someone else is to blame and have reelected history’s greatest blame-shifter to blame those who aren’t them. Sure, he’ll be Lovecraftianly horrific otherwise, but on that one skill he is a virtuoso. All the rest are lies of course but lies that feel so good people will pay billions to hear them. Your goldbug friends who wanted a return to the gold standard are now going crypto which is stable somewhere between zero and infinity. A one-world coinage sounds just fine to them. Welcome to today’s new gilded age, with sadly no Titanic yet spotted on the horizon. A couple of bros wanted to buy Greenland for incels and stock it with females. Donald wants a piece of that too. Rudy Giuliani doesn’t have that pay to play anymore. Trump’s DC hotel might reopen as the world’s premiere graft speakeasy, but this time Elon’s opening his international whorehouse of payola right up the street. The inaugural ass kiss lip balm concession sold out today around one o’clock. Israel trusted Bibi Netanyahu to lie to them, but some are concerned that he might have begun telling the truth lately. And, it is still Martin Luther King Jr. Day, this year.

Bob Uecker and David Lynch are hanging out together in Heaven’s waiting room, laughing (slowly, and in reverse, naturally), looking down as Hell freezes over so that Donald Trump can return to the Presidency. But... why are we still here though? Probably to listen to David Waldman on the Friday KITM. Don’t turn to Republicans to answer your questions, existential or otherwise. They have all the answers, just not to the questions they’ve been asked. If they told you the answer they wouldn’t have to kill you, but they’ll wish they have had killed themselves. Joe Biden looked at his watch and just realized that he forgot to answer all the questions and fix everything. Hurry Joe! What caused Sam Harris to wake up and turn on his bro Elon Musk, other than they couldn’t fit both of their heads into the same room anymore? Bro RFK Jr. isn’t a part of the broligarchy on nepotism, inheritance, and psychopathy alone. He put in his time scamming rubes just like the rest of them. Paul Manafort returns to his job of being the bro of the broligarchy and dick for the dictators. Beta Mike Johnson makes certain to have all betas in chair positions before Trump comes in. Meatball Ron DeSantis sometimes doesn’t do exactly what he’s told but is still a good boy. In Minnesota, DFL Rep. Brad Tabke of Shakopee won reelection, but Gops seized control anyway, which would really matter if they had planned to get anything done legislatively.

Joe Biden has said farewell, but I guess David Waldman, Greg Dworkin and the rest of us will stick around out of some sort of morbid curiosity. Joe took the opportunity to warn us about what Ike warned us about, and look at how well we headed that warning. Biden also sounded the alarm on the threat of oligarchy. Of course, he probably should have added the threat of illiteracy. Oligarchies suck, but apparently not if they are run by a bro. Not as many people see Joe Biden as a bro as they used to. Definitely not as many bros as who see Trump as a bro. For instance, Trump said that if Israel and Hamas didn’t quit fighting, he’d go over there and kick somebody’s ass. Worked like a charm. Middle East peace is locked in for the next thousand years or more, unless somebody screws up. If California doesn’t shape up, Jim Jordan will take their 2028 Olympics and give it to Cleveland. Elon Musk used his chic oligarchic charm to free an Italian from Iranians. Meanwhile, in the Gop it isn’t possible to be too dumb or drunk, but it is possible to be too macho if it shrivels the machismo of the incoming boss.

As the news desert encroaches, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin continue to serve us tasty news dessert: Pete Hegseth is on his way to be the first DEI Miltary hire of the upcoming administration. It is hard to deny Hegseth’s qualifications as an authentic bona fide POS. Experience or ability would obviously distract from Pete’s purity of purpose, yet being a born-again evangelical elevates Hegseth to sacrosanct untouchability. Hegseth will be the first thumb-in-the-eye member of the thumb-in-the-eye administration of the Thumb-In-The-Eye President. Greenland is thinking about rejoining the EU and should probably also make sure their NATO paperwork is up to date. Denmark wants to talk on the down low, but Trump always tells, and if he hasn’t got anything to say will make it up anyhow. Sure, people have given Trump half a billion dollars for his inauguration… but what have they done for him lately? This term Trump wants no responsibility, no blame, but especially no debt. 23 thousand acres in ashes might be considered pretty bad optics for Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass, especially when she wasn’t in really great shape to begin with. One thing’s for certain, none of this would have happened on Honorary Mayor Bob Saget’s watch! Meanwhile, in South Korea, in the course of a few months the President fomented insurrection, declared martial law, was impeached, and is now arrested, because that country has a functioning justice system.

David Waldman has a couple of things he would like to talk about today, and a couple of hours to talk about them. Pull up a chair. That SOB was guilty and got away with it again. That about sums it up, the rest are details. This time it’s Special counsel Jack Smith saying it. No one has ever committed such crimes before, during, after, or before a presidency, to then be invited to an encore performance. Do you think that the J6 insurrectionist convicted of plotting to murder his FBI investigators will receive one pardon, or two? If Trump can’t be found guilty of insurrection, can anybody? If we act soon, we might be able to squeeze in a thousand impeachment proposals this term, and maybe a few hundred impeachments. Speaking of guilty SOBs, the time for intimidating and silencing Pete Hegseth’s witnesses is almost over. Now the question is whether Pete is scum enough to lock in Republican votes.

While others shout into the void, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin stare into the abyss, weekdays on KITM: The inferno continues around Los Angeles, urged on by the red wind. California is finding out who their friends are, and who isn’t. Some will learn something, some won’t. Insurance companies are having to scrape money together to buy insurance for themselves. We dive into our own metaphorical conflagration next week. President Joe Biden rides off into the sunset, although Joe might not have let the sun set so far before he started riding. The guy taking over has no beliefs, no principles, no shame and no problem. Welcome back to the art of the deal. Jack Smith is also out of here. Aileen Cannon makes another big move to clinch this season of The Presidential Apprentice. DOGE is vaporware, but that doesn’t mean that Elon won’t get some fun trolling out of it. Would a blackout drunk rapist still be a hiring risk as long as he was a good Christian nationalist? That is the question hoped to be answered in soon upcoming cabinet nominee hearings. Senator Katie Britt doesn’t have that answer but can describe in detail how useless corporate news has become.

TGIFKITM! David Waldman takes us to the weekend, and if we show up again on Monday, he’ll start all over and do it again! Donald Trump is now a convicted and sentenced felon and yet is somehow still getting away with it. Of course, he tried to get away with more, citing Irreparable Injury among other BS to the Supreme Court. OBVIOUSLY, that’s not how the Court, laws, the Constitution work! Except… It almost did. One old white guy in a robe didn’t fix things for Trump this time. Less than 10 days before he corrects that situation. I predict that Aileen Cannon will win this season of Presidential Apprentice. But why did Trump fire the reliably loyal National Archivist Colleen Shogan? Maybe a dopamine release to his tiny vermin brain? Why does it ever have to be anything more? God continues to work in mysterious, or not so mysterious, ways. MAGA isn’t about to blame God for the fires in Los Angeles when there’s more money in other scapegoats, like Democratic-Jewish Space Lasers. Donald exploits all suffering to his own ends, because it feeds the pit in his soul, and because that strategy has never failed him yet. During his visit to Greenland, Donald Jr. tried his hand in exploiting the destitute, but he just doesn’t have the Old Man’s touch. Gops are trying to throw out votes in all North Carolina statewide races. The Pizzagate gunman died as he lived: a dangerous lunatic. Finally, we at KITM regret to announce that Anita Bryant lived 84 years.

Yet again, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin bring their usual camaraderie and repartee to today’s KITM. That kind of stuff is hard to fake! Today is a good day to ask ourselves, WWJCD? Probably not a single thing that will ever happen now. For people who don’t like being called Hitler, MAGAs sure are into annexation lately. Greenland, Canada, Mexico and Panama have been asking for it lately, showing off their ample mineral assets, letting just anyone into their trade routes. How can they not expect to get grabbed by the canal? What does Trump get out of empty threats? The satisfaction of watching people flinch. Wildfires like hot air, so Trump is focusing his degradation and intimidation on the victims instead. California will of course have to shut off the windmills, those things just blow the fire around. Remember your shock when the Trump Supreme Court handed down its decision on Presidential immunity? Well, I hope you’re sitting down when you find out what Trump and Alito are cooking up this time. Meanwhile, Elon Musk, whose sole joy in life is stirring up shit, found some in the UK in the personage of lifelong POS Tommy Robinson. In election news, Virginia’s Abigail Spanberger goes right down the middle to find a one-point lead over the local extremist, while Lebanon’s Joseph Aoun becomes the fifth army commander to be elected as president in multi-Islamic Lebanon, taking over the job held previously for two years by an empty chair.

David Waldman brings us to the first Friday and the first weekend of the year… and look who he brought with him! Distinguished Professor Ian Reifowitz is here and is well on his way to be a millionaire, or should be, considering his output of scholarly literature, including an upcoming tome on how stereotypes are used to drive political rhetoric and thus policy. the topic of which was discussed in relation to that unfortunate outcome of the recent election. Recent second-guessing in Dem circles warns against coming off like some distinguished professor when talking to potential voters. James Carville reminds Democratic candidates to KISS — Keep It Stupid for the Simples. Republicans have learned to simplify further by honing any statement down to an uncomplicated all-purpose lie. How does corporate media plan to counter this? They’re going to try rolling over and showing their tummy and see how that works. Elon Musk plans to sue facts that disagree with him. On his site, with a tap of a button Elon can agree with anything he says... What could be stopping him from just authoring the post of anyone from this point? Humility? Mark Zuckerberg has it all figured out. Mark is replacing his problematic social media users with friendly AI bots! AI profiles are ready to get into prolonged frustrating arguments with already established trollbots and disagreebots, unless they get distracted by engagementbots or pornbots... Back in the “real world”, the 119th Congress is waiting for Mike Johnson to get his act together, at least long enough to squeak back into his rubberstamp position. Democrats have an opportunity to dare to do great things… or just goof around, and we know the likelihood of them doing either.

David Waldman is about done with 2024 but isn’t that into 2025. Maybe we can find an alternative? KITM World Headquarters uses pure green energy from the plutonium stored in the core of our volcano lair, but for the many who do not have that luxury, the nationwide power grid is under tremendous strain as AI data centers suck up huge amounts of power and distort the normal flow of electricity for millions of Americans. Eliminating federal regulations would not seem to be the way to go, but here we are, eager to become serfs to a mad king as long as he is as mad as us. A problem with being a “Me First” nation is that “They” are sometimes you. Elon Musk was recently shocked to discover that there was a “They” other than him. In fact, on exTwitter, many of them are actually… him. In fact, how can anybody ever be certain they aren’t all him, as he can be any one of them with a tap of a button? Meanwhile, South Korea has approved the arrest of President Yoon Suk Yeol, whom they’ve already impeached. Russia has a shadow fleet of ships employed to evade sanctions, so why not have them multitask in espionage and sabotage while they’re out there?