The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Lisa Richard Serendipidy Tom Lizzie Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Reflections LISA Mad World: Tears for Fears It’s a party; everyone’s my age. I think someone thought it was fancy dress – a nurse chats with someone in the corridor. Maybe I’ve had too much to drink because I’m not too sure where I am, everyone seems familiar but I couldn’t tell you anyone’s name. I hear the nurse telling someone that wants to leave that it’s a home for people with memory issues & they live here. Heartbreaking really. I enjoy the music, lots of familiar songs but feel I’m ready to go. The doors locked. The nurse approaches and puts her hand gently on my shoulder. RICHARD --- Mad --- He had that sign on his desk, you know the one 'You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps". It was that sort of inappropriate attitude that had led to this meeting today, not that it would matter soon. "Jeff, I'll come straight to the point. You're fired." His face was a picture, "Fired? But, why?" I shrugged. "You know, the usual… spending cuts, the economy, rationalisation. And, oh yes, you're crap at the job!" "But what'll I do?" I grabbed the sign, handing it to him. "You'll fit in - it's a mad world out there!" LIZZIE The pictures on his wall looked old. Was he ever in Paris, she asked. He shrugged. The stamp, what was it, she asked. He shrugged. And the certificate, she asked. He shrugged. I'm starting to doubt this is your home. It isn't, he replied. Her heart started racing. Why did you bring me here? He chuckled. Is it your mother's home? He lowered his eyes and pointed. The door was closed. Don't go in there, she thought. You'll understand, he said. She opened the door. The woman was sitting, her rocking chair moving gently, her mummified fingers clutching a knife. TOM The Opening scene Sometimes a line is drawn and everything on one side is consider old and quaint. The other is the new new. There was everything before Star Wars and everything after. It all happened in a weeks’ time. Guys in San Fransisco were screaming about this new sci-fi movie. So, I got the last ticket to the midnight show. The excite in the room was through the roof. Cheers at the opening title. Then a beautiful space ship crosses the screen … and a battleship fill the screen. People screamed I screamed. Greatest single moment I ever had in a theater. Mad World One turn to the left instead of one right, your whole life would have been a different life, filled with different people, like the Pope. It is highly possible I meet the Pope as a kid. I am sure I was in the same rooms as him. I was accepted to the same seminary he attended. The high school I did attended was literally across the street from the Augustinian Major seminary. In school we were on student government, ran the year book, on the debate team. It’s a mad world when one degree of separation separates you from the pope. SERENDIPIDY Six days now since the world went mad. All my fault, of course. Who else would it have been? It was me that sent the offensive messages, and that's all it took. Everything else was simply down to human nature; the need to retaliate, the sense of entitlement, the propensity to blow things up out of proportion. On day two, warning shots were fired. Day three, all-out war. And now, the few who are left are picking up the pieces. Thanks to a few insulting messages, the world's gone mad. But it was a mad world to begin with. NORVAL JOE Billbert frowned. “Well. We can’t let John kill you and your mother. It would be a mad world without you. Empty husks and all that. Still, in this world, you can’t poison people and get away with it. We need to go to the police.” Mandi hesitated, then nodded. They flew to the police station and landed in the back alley. When they told the officer their story, he shook his head. “If there was evidence of poisoning,

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. For the Pirate Halloween Pumpkin Carving Contest, other pirates made spooky and scary jack-o-lanterns. George made a cute fluffy kitten. The ears moved and eyes blinked, and it mewed every few seconds. "The heat from the candle powers that mechanism," said George. The notorious Blackbeard the Pirate was the contest judge, and he walked along the table, inspecting every entry. When he got to George's pumpkin, he looked it up and down, and from all around. Then he picked it up, held it high... And smashed it to bits.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. The other pirates called him Georgie Porgie and sung the rhyme at him. "Got any pudding and pie?" they taunted. George checked his pockets. "No, but I have some tickets to The Cure concert tonight." The pirates cheered and George said he'd meet them at the concert. But when they got there, George stood them up. He pulled up the anchor and set sail for another town. "Assholes," mumbled George. As he steered the ship, he took a bite of pie and enjoyed it with a can of pudding.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. When the ship was overtaken by other pirates, George pretended to be a stowaway. "Hi, I'm Jim," said George, waving a piece of paper. "Have you got a lemon to reveal the secret ink on this treasure map?" A one-legged pirate on a crutch hobbled over to George and snatched away the map. "Aye, me hearties!" he shouted. "Fetch me a lemon!" While the pirates searched for a lemon, George jumped in the lifeboat and escaped. "It's just a blank piece of paper," he chuckled, and he rowed away.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He'd sit on the beach, watching the shorebirds dig for grubs, running along the waves as the tide came in. George skipped stones on the water, two or three skips before they'd plunk and vanish. The birds were hesitant at first, but eventually, they got used to George skipping stones near them. Then, George pegged a bird in the head, killing it. And other. Plucked and roasted over a campfire, they kept him going for three days before the ship rescued him. He swore he'd never fall overboard again.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He'd heard about alchemists who spent their lives trying conduct bizarre rituals and experiments in the quest to transform various substances into Gold. Some had managed to convince kings and queens to grant them funding and offices for their research. George apprenticed himself to an alchemist, and after a few months, he learned the man's secret: Alchemy was a fraud. Just a way to make a living off of arrogant and greedy royalty. "So be piracy, matey," said George, drawing his cutlass. "I be taking ye grant money now."

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Still, even with his lack of skill, he had plenty of experience on the high seas. So he was always tapped to give a presentation at the annual global pirate conference. George made a point to take the batteries out of his wireless microphone so nobody in the audience could hear. He didn't want to risk waking any of them up. They'd all partied pretty hard the night before and were sleeping off their hangovers. "Great presentation," said the pirates afterwards. "Thank you," said George. "Back to the tavern?"

Lisa Richard Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Mad World NORVAL JOE Billbert felt like Luke Skywalker saving Leia from Jabba the Hutt. He wiped his hands on his pants legs, held them out, and said, “Let’ go.” “I can’t.” Mandi turned away and Billbert followed, floating into the room. “Why not?” he asked, touching down on the bedroom carpet. She turned back to him, her eyes filled with anguish. “John says he’ll kill me and my mother, like he killed my father.” Billbert gasped. “Your father’s dead?” “No,” Mandi said. “He’s in the hospital.” “Then…” Billbert began to ask. Mandi blinked back tears. “John admitted he has been poisoning my father.” TOM It's not common knowledge, but the stars are at war. However, it all happens very, very slowly, so you're hardly likely to notice, but trust me, it's happening. Those meteors you see in the night sky… interstellar ballistic missiles. And comets? Galactic cluster bombs. And those aren't asteroid belts scattered through space, but gigantic minefields. We've mostly nothing to worry about, because we're not stars, are we? Nevertheless, in any war, mistakes can be made. Missiles can go off course, and there is always collateral damage. And when it happens, forget slowly. It'll all be over very, very quickly indeed! SERENDIPIDY It's not common knowledge, but the stars are at war. However, it all happens very, very slowly, so you're hardly likely to notice, but trust me, it's happening. Those meteors you see in the night sky… interstellar ballistic missiles. And comets? Galactic cluster bombs. And those aren't asteroid belts scattered through space, but gigantic minefields. We've mostly nothing to worry about, because we're not stars, are we? Nevertheless, in any war, mistakes can be made. Missiles can go off course, and there is always collateral damage. And when it happens, forget slowly. It'll all be over very, very quickly indeed! RICHARD --- Star Wars --- Never really understood all the fuss about Star Wars. I read the book before I saw the movie, and even then I watched it on TV. I vaguely recall the second one, and all I can remember about the third one: teddy bears, zipping through the forest on skateboards… something like that, anyway. I've not seen any of the prequels, sequels or spin offs, and I've no interest in any of the nonsense around what order you're supposed to watch them, not that I'm ever going to. But, I'll admit the cantina band was awesome. And Princess Leia? Hot stuff! LISA Star Wars I think most people remember their first cinema trip. I went with Nan to see Star Wars. It wasn’t the film that was memorable though. There’d been a spate of attacks and women had been advised to not go out at night. Nan was having none of that – she went out more than ever before. Good on her you’d think; why should she live in fear. But Nan went out with a knife. A big sharp carving knife that wouldn’t even fit in her handbag. She’d brandished it as she walked and got arrested after the film outside the cinema. PLANET Z Back when Star Wars came out, kids would brag about how many times they saw it. Five, ten, fifteen. Stacy said she lost count. Her family ran the drive-through over the county line, where you could sell beer. It used to be a farm out there, but they'd show old movies on a bedsheet on Friday nights in the summer and it grew from there. They built the drive-in, then the liquor store and a nice house from all the money coming in. Their old trailer became a grow house, and we'd smoke weed while watching the original trilogy.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He liked to bop people with anchors. He thought it was amusing. The people whom George bopped with the anchors didn't. When they came to, that is. Quite a few didn't, because getting bopped with an anchor tends to stave in skulls. That's somewhat deadly. Then, their next-of-kin didn't think it all that amusing, with the hassle of planning funerals and all that. Unless, of course, they inherited a share of treasure from their recently-bopped relative. Then, I'm sure the gold and silver helped then get over their grief.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He was heading out of the harbor when a family in an old junk struck his ship. George's ship was fine, for the most part, but the old junk was badly damaged. George felt bad that the man's junk was damaged, but it was the junk that struck his ship, not the other way around. Still, out of sympathy, he offered them a ride back to port. The next day, the family's lawyer came aboard to threaten George with a lawsuit. Without sympathy, George made him walk the plank.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He was constantly roped into an endless series of sidetracks and distractions. Such as the time when he found himself joining a fleet of three Spanish ships heading Westward to India. "Okay, Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria," he said. "Now, which one's the Pinta? I keep confusing it with the Santa Maria." The fleet never made it to India. They ended up wandering around the Caribbean, torturing and enslaving a bunch of natives. George found it all rather brutish and uncivilized, and he went back to being a honest pirate.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Every morning, the captain held an all-hands-on-deck staff meeting. He'd go over important things and ask for input. But every time a pirate suggested anything, the captain shot that pirate down. Literally. The captain drew his flintlock pistol and shot the pirate, and they fell down dead. One pirate raised his hand. "Might I suggest that you stop shooting us when we talk?" he said. "That's an interesting thought," said the captain. "Let me think about it while I reload." The captain finished reloading, and shot that pirate, too.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He made a point of stealing only from the wealthy, and then he'd give away all that he'd stolen to the poor. George got a patronizing letter from Zorro that fully supported his generous nature. "Let me know if you ever raid the seacoasts of Mexico," wrote Zorro. "We'll have a drink." George made a point to frequently steal supplies from warehouses owned by Diego de la Vega, Zorro's real identity. George then gave the supplies to the poor, stealing credit from Zorro. "You're a real dick," wrote Zorro.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. So when the captain promoted him to Assistant Manager, the rest of the crew were all furious. "George may not have basic pirate skills," said the captain. "But he's got people skills." The captain went back to his cabin, put his feet up on his desk, and waited for the crew to hang George. Instead, they beat down his door, dragged him to the deck, and threw a rope around his neck. "George should be captain," said the crew. "People skills," grumbled the captain, as they hoisted him up.

Lisa Richard Lizzie Serendipidy Tom Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Star Wars LISA Opening Night After centuries keeping marauders out the drawbridge was lifted and Castle Rock Hotel was finally open for business. The battle to turn the Castle into a hotel had been a long one and after extensive remodelling the Charm and character of a period property had been retained. It was so sympathetically modernised the National Trust heralded the project as a masterwork. They’d got rid of mice, woodworm and damp to ensure a warm welcome for guests. Doors, Floors and radiators had been silenced to ensure a good night’s sleep for its patrons so the first review hit hard: ‘Uncomfortable Pillows’. RICHARD --- When You Gotta Go --- How would you like to go? Personally, I've no interest in the usual boring ways. Forget the sudden heart attack, catastrophic stroke, or the Big C, those aren't for me. And let's not go down the route of car accidents, or anything of that sort - just too messy… I want to be recognisable after I'm gone! So, what does that leave us with? A pillow over the face. And I trust that when the time comes, you'll do the job? If not, I guess I'll resort to Plan B: You'll find me frozen solid one morning, naked in the snow. LIZZIE The rules are clear. No pillows, no napping, no jackets. But it's snowing. Yes, so?! So, it's cold. The root of the problem is that people are too squirmish; toughen up! Toughen up, toughen up; my feet hurt, and besides, why no pillows? Find your way to the castle. And why no jackets? Weapons, you could hide them. And why no napping? Because... all these questions. Well, yes, you have a nice warm jacket; and the rules make no sense; the castle is in ruins. OK, you can have a pillow. You know what, get lost, you and your bloody rules. SERENDIPIDY Find yourself a good, young, fresh human being. Nice firm flesh, and without blemish, preferably still warm. Pick a dark winter night to perform the ritual, somewhere bleak and remote and, at midnight under a full moon, bury them deep, naked in the snow. Utter the prayer of making in the ancient language and perform the sacrifice, spilling blood upon the ground. Then wait. In the fullness of time, the corpse will begin to take root; drawing new energy from the fertile earth below. And, come the spring thaw, you can plant your carrots there and have a bumper harvest! TOM Rath Rath was a pheasant … wait he was a Peasant. And as peasant go an extraordinaire peasants. Wait he was extra at being ordinaire. Rath held Fidelity to his lord. Which ment he did the work and the lord got his daily bread out of the deal. So what did Rath get out of the deal. Well protection from hordes of housemen who used peasants for target practice. A serious plus there. E-ticket to tall castle; good. A system of rules set in stone for generations. One man got everything, one man not, because he who has the castle rules. NORVAL JOE Billbert flew to the Withybottom mansion. In the dark of night, it appeared like an abandoned castle in the Scottish wilds. Circling the building, he found a third-floor room with the lights on. He peered through the window and saw Mandi sitting on the end of her bed, clutching a pillow. He tapped the glass. Mandi jumped and ran to the window, opening it. Billbert held onto the windowsill for balance. She looked at Billberts hands. “You probably shouldn't touch that. John has had me locked in my bedroom for a week, and I haven’t had access to a bathroom.” PLANET Z Mario laughed as the giant creature fell into the lava lake. All he had to do now is get the princess out and collect his reward. Except, the towns people said that the woman was not their princess. Their princess was actually in another castle. Mario growled. Then who the fuck is this bitch? He said. The towns people had no idea.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He bought a toaster, put it next to his bunk, and pushed down the button. It popped back up, but there was no toast. He pushed the button again and again, but it kept popping up without producing any toast. The captain patted George on the shoulder. "It would help if you put bread in it to toast." George smacked himself on the forehead. "Right!" He put in two slices of bread and pushed down the button. It was too bad there wasn't anywhere to plug the toaster into.

"George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate." Adam Sandler looked over the script, flipped through the pages, and threw it at his agent. "What is this shit?" said Adam. "It's about a pirate who's not really good at being a pirate," said his agent. "He does all kinds of funny and goofy shit." Adam frowned. "It's fucking retarded. How the hell is that gonna get me an Oscar?" "Mind if I take a look?" said Rob Schneider. "Sure, Rob, go for it," said Adam. A year later, Rob won the Oscar. And Adam fired his agent.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He came up with all kinds of crazy schemes and plans. "If we ram ships into the World Trade Center, we can bring them down," he said. "Why?" asked the captain. "What would be the point?" George thought for a moment. "You're right. It would destroy everything worth looting. It's just evil." George crumpled up his plans and tossed them in the trash. Later that night, a Muslim crewman dug out the plans, photographed them, and sent them to his cousin Khalid. "Tell brother Osama about this," he said.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Still, he was a better pirate than all these posers going around saying "YARRRR!" and "SHIVER ME TIMBERS!" on Talk Like A Pirate Day. It was worse than an Irish pub on St. Patrick's Day. All those amateurs drinking green-colored swill. Disgusting. And if you tried to pinch a pirate for not wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, they'd run you through with their sword. A drunk tourist pointed at George and went "ARRRRRRRR!" George pushed them into the harbor, and we went back to his ship to sleep.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He'd get completely drunk and crawl into a treasure chest, and then he'd close the lid. Sometimes, George had to fold himself up really tight, but he took yoga classes and regularly worked on keeping himself limber and flexible. Then, when his shipmates opened the treasure chest, he'd leap out and yell BOO! Well, that what he'd hoped to do. But usually, he'd kinda flop out of the treasure chest and vomit and pass out. You know, because he was so drunk. Oh, and George got stabbed a lot.