The 100 Word Stories Podcast

Richard Lizzie Tom Lisa Serendipidy Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is PICK TWO Dictionary Game Orchestra Appreciated Charge RICHARD Lawless Remember the good old days when the advance of technology was fairly predictable, we had good old Moore's Law telling us that computing power would double every two years, and that's pretty much how things worked. But, not any more. Now, with AI, large language models and quantum computing, who knows where technology will take us in two weeks, let alone two years! Let's face it though, as technology gets smarter, people get correspondingly dumber, and it's only a matter of time before most of humanity become gibbering imbeciles. Not me though. I know how to operate the off switch! LIZZIE They paid her a generous advance for her artwork. "It's not finished yet," she said meekly. But it had been decided. Well, in that case! She didn't hesitate to receive the money. "Maldives, here I come," she thought, feeling the sun on her face and the soft white sand. The painting? That remained unfinished. "Who cares!" Upon returning home, they asked her for the painting. She replied with a vague excuse that she needed some time off "for inspiration". So, they grabbed her and chopped off one of her fingers. "Each day, a finger." She held out for four fingers. TOM Advance Timmy was always financially strapped. He really missed weekly paychecks. This monthly pay schedule sucked. The last week of the was filled with peanut butter and cool aid. Often, he would forgo the bus and walk in to work. The hardest was the last Friday of the month. Luckily his boss would cut a check to advance him 20 or 40 bucks. One month both the cats got sick and Mary’s cars needed tires. So, he had to get an advance of the advance. Finally in his late 40’s he poked his head above water started buying bitcoins and maple-leafs. LISA Bestseller I’m the most promising novelist of my generation. Sunday Times words – not mine. I’m a bit short on words at the moment. The first book, the one you’ve all read, was a breeze. Wrote itself. Rave reviews. Tik Tok went wild. It was the most seen book of the summer. And my advance for the sequel -AMAZING. So, the publishers NEED another for next summer; they’ve already got the merchandise planned. I’m two chapters in and sat staring at a blank page. My witty protagonist that everyone loves is in bed refusing to catch my eye. Reader, I hate her. SERENDIPIDY I watched them advance, shuffling gait, lifeless eyes, inexorable, unrelenting and terrifying. The zombie hoard filled the streets, a growing crowd of the undead hunting out new victims to sate their feeding frenzy. I watched you run and hide, desperately seeking shelter; somewhere safe from the clutches of those in pursuit, but it was hopeless. You can run, but you can't hide. These are modern-day zombies, not your old-style shambling corpses. They have drones equipped with infra-red, heat-seeking cameras, and whatever your hiding place, they will find you. And, even modern zombies will eat your brains! NORVAL JOE Mandi thought she’d escaped Bobbi after the tardy bell rang but as she left her final class the redhead advanced toward her, pushing kids out of her way. “Come on,” Bobbi said and waved her toward the school’s exit. Obediently, Mandi followed. “Where are we going?” “To my house,” Bobbi said. “If the Black Knights have Billbert and Sabrina, someone is going to get hurt and the Knights are going to use those two to do the hurting.” Bobbi’s house needed paint and major repairs. Mandi followed her, avoiding trash and broken appliances in the overgrown grass of the yard. PLANET Z After my first book sold a million copies, my publisher offered me a deal for four more books. Of course I signed. How foolish I was. The first book was easy. The second, not so much. And the third... a nightmare.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. For some reason, he'd taken to going everywhere on horseback. Which was fine when the ship was in port. Although the owner of The Five Skulls Tavern didn't take too kindly to the horse crapping all over his floor. It was when the ship was out to sea that things got difficult. Horses need a lot of hay and water, and there's only so much room on a ship. One morning, George woke up, and the horse was gone. But, instead of hardtack and gravy, supper was roasted steaks.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Every time he killed someone, he'd have nightmares about it. And then he'd hesitate that much more before he killed another person. Pretty soon, George was a twitching, shivering mess. Surrounded by ghosts, he'd fall to the deck and clutch his head, moaning and clenching his teeth. The other pirates yelled at George to get up, but the captain told them to let George be. "Just try not to trip over him," he said. George eventually crawled belowdecks, back to his bunk, where he remained in a semi-catatonic state.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. When he took people hostage, he wasn't very good at setting a reasonable ransom amount. "Five dollars!" demanded George. "Not a penny less!" "That won't cover our expenses," whispered the captain. "Try a hundred." "One hundred million dollars!" demanded George. "Not a penny more!" The captain took George aside and gave him a quick lesson in basic math and economics. "Ah, okay," said George. By the time George researched calculated a reasonable ransom, the hostage had escaped. George apologized, pulled out his wallet. and handed the captain five dollars.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Instead of capturing the HMS Beagle and holding the ship for ransom, George joined their crew and learned all about Darwin's Theory of Natural Selection. "Does this theory apply to pirates?" asked George. "Because I'm not a very good pirate, and you'd think that I'd have been weeded out of the population by now." Darwin pondered this for a while. "Good question," he said. Then, he clubbed George on the back of his head and tossed him overboard. "Error correction," said Darwin, as George's body sank below the waves.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Whenever he buried treasure, he'd forget to draw a map to it. So, he spent a lot of time stumbling around beaches and forests and fields, holding out a lamp and looking for anything familiar. He never found it again. "Damn it, George," said the captain. "Either draw a map or bury the treasure somewhere easy to remember." So, the next time George had treasure to bury, he tried to bury it under his bunk. His crewmates stopped him before he broke through the hull and sank the ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Instead of looting and pillaging, he liked to collect small animals. His favorite was a baby kraken, which he'd kept in a jar by his bunk. Then, a small tub. And finally... well... there was no containing it now. The kraken burst through the deck, grabbing pirates and rending the sails. Then it hauled itself over the rail and plunged into the sea. "Well, shit," sighed the captain. "Poor Bubbles!" said George. The survivors stared at George. "Bubbles was a freshwater kraken," said George, "and we're on the ocean."

Richard Lizzie Tom Lisa Serendipidy Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is Advance LISA There was a fish in the sky, the sun glinted on its iridescent undersides. Whipped by the breeze it coasted a while on the thermals. We stood in the garden, necks craned, watching it swim through the clouds. “It’s going down” Sue shouted as we ran to the front of the house. It sank fast and caught in a neighbour’s oak tree. It was actually a metallic balloon which promptly burst on a conker spine then crinkled in the breeze. A tag dangled from its tail with an address in France: a competition to see whose balloon travelled the furthest. RICHARD --- Unwise --- "Invest in the stock market he said." "What do you have to lose? All you need is a good financial advisor, some spare cash and maybe just a little bit of luck, and by this time next year you could be a millionaire." So I took a punt. After all, I had a little spare cash to invest, and I don't consider myself particularly unlucky. Unfortunately, what I didn't have was a good financial advisor. He selected the worst stock ever to invest in, and every time I asked him how the market was doing… He'd say, "It's going down." LIZZIE "It's going down..." whispered the radio. The coded message prompted them to grab their guns and take off. Then, they waited. An hour. Two hours. Nothing. Keep radio silence, but... what should they do? One of them decided to stand up and... A shot. Boom. Man down. The others were perplexed. They were the hunters, not the hunted. Another stood up to complain. Boom. Man down. "Wait a second, I didn't pay a fortune for this. It's over for me." Boom. Man down. What they didn't know was that other men had paid a lot more to hunt the hunters. SERENDIPIDY It's going down to the wire. The razor wire. It's my interpretation of the old fashioned death of a thousand cuts. Updated and improved. It's a simple idea: A deep, dark pit, stuffed full of copious strands of razor wire -military grade, of course. And I'm going to throw you in. You'll be torn to shreds. And the more you struggle and writhe in pain, the worse it gets. Until, slick from blood, screaming in pain, flesh flayed from your bones, you finally succumb to your wounds. So, now you know your immediate future… It's going down, to the wire. TOM Fly to close to the sun. When I was a kid I had a subscription to Youth National Geographic. In one issue was a picture of Alexander Bell’s tetrahedron kites. Big enough to lift a man into the sky. As kid I did not have the materials to build the man lifting kites, but I did build tetrahedron out of drinking straws. Lightest material I could find. Fast forward 60 years 3d printer spitting out nano-tube. Got the cat at about 1000 feet. Looking good, stable, success OH forgot about the load on the string . Too bad. Fluffy, its good down fast. Rethink: need nano-tube string. NORVAL JOE Bobbi snatched the phone from Mandi and punched in a text. Patrick. What are you doing with Sabrina’s phone. After a long pause, a reply came. Bobbi? She continued. I came by your house on the way to school. No one was home. Where are you and where is Billbert? Mind your own business, he sent back. Bobbie grimaced. “Mom says you are my business. You’re not into more Black Knight crap, are you?” Just watch, little sister. My crap is going to be powerful, and it’s going down soon. Bobbie handed Mandi her phone. “The Black Knights have Billbert.” PLANET Z Mindy's fever was finally coming down. Icepacks and aspirin, and a week in bed. Her vision was blurry, and she couldn't read her books, so we read to her. Or we turned on the radio. Hauling the television upstairs wasn't an option. And she wanted to stay in her room. We brought up soup and orange juice and ice water, took down the empty trays and bowls and cups. Replacing her sheets and pillowcases twice a day,

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. "I think I know what my problem is," said George. "It's a lack of opportunities to express my artistic side." He painted the cannonballs with interesting colors and swirls and lacquers. He designed lush and beautiful sails with vibrant images that came to life in the wind. He rigged wind chimes and other instruments so they'd play a melodic tune with the wind and the rolling of the seas. They all looked and sounded nice as the ship took a broadsides from a British frigate and went down quickly.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He'd practiced for years with his cutlass, but never got any better. That's when George saw an ad for Karate training. He shrugged and signed up for classes. After a few weeks, he got pretty good. He tried Judo and Tae Kwon Do and other styles, too. After a while, he'd earned black belts in all of them. "Here, let me demonstrate," said George happily, and he broke six boards with his fist. As the ship slowly sank, the captain tied George to the mast with his black belts.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. When the ship's captain was away on vacation, he hired a temp to run things. "The captain warned me about you, George," said the temp captain. "I'll keep my eye in you." So, after their first raid... "Sorry about that stray shot," said George. "But that's a nice eyepatch you've got there." By the time George's captain returned, the temp captain was sporting a new eyepatch, a pegleg, and a hook hand. "Well that ended badly," said the captain. "I am not looking forward to his review on Glassdoor."

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He wasn't good at love, either. Oh, he wasn't bad-looking. And he was always courteous and polite with the ladies. It was just that deeper connection he never made. She'd want him to read poetry or go dancing, and he'd try to teach her how to tie knots or tell the weather from the sea air. One time, he did find a girl who wanted to learn how to tie knots. But she tied him to a bed and took his money. And a note: "I love you anyway."

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He was always pacing the deck, back and forth. "Why are you walking all the time?" the captain asked. "I bought a step-counting smartwatch," said George. "I have to get five thousand steps in each day to stay fit." The captain smirked. "You could always do that by raping, looting, and pillaging." "This is way easier," said George. "And a lot less messy." George walked away, but the captain tripped him up. George fell and broke his nose, bleeding all over the deck. "What a mess," said the captain.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He preferred the feel of sand between his toes to the wet wooden deck of the ship. So, when the ship docked at port, he hauled sand from the beach to the ship and spread it all over the deck. The extra weight slowed the ship down, and it took longer to catch up to cargo vessels that they wanted to raid. "Fine by me," said George, laying in a chaise lounger on the deck and sipping an umbrella drink. "More time for me to work on my tan."

Richard Lizzie Tom Lisa Serendipidy Norval Joe Planet Z The next topic is It’s going down… LISA Come Fly with Me It felt good to be out cruising along, feeling the breeze beneath my wings. Endless possibilities for the day lay ahead. My driver today was old and small. He struggled to see over the dashboard. Our eyes met but I don’t think he saw me stuck to the windscreen. I could hear his music through the glass. We travelled together as companions for miles until a jet of water unseated me. I had a nauseating lurch back and forth on the wipers before they came to a stop with a screeching judder. I realised then, my time was nearly up. RICHARD --- Flight Plan --- There are some things you just don't want to hear when cruising at twenty thousand feet. Things like… "Brace for impact!", "This is a hijack!", or "Can you smell burning?" Thankfully, that's not a situation I've ever found myself having to face, but believe me, I'm prepared. I think I've watched every flight disaster movie that's ever been released. Twice. I always try to sit over a wing, or next to an emergency exit. Preferably both. And, unlike you, I always pay attention to the in-flight safety briefing. Want my advice? If you ever fly… Sit next to me! SERENDIPIDY It's Friday night, and I'm getting ready to go out, like so many others will be, the world over. I've showered, done my nails and make -up, picked out a killer outfit, and spritzed myself with fragrance. And, of course, I've had a couple of drinks to get me in the mood. But I'm not meeting up with the girls, hitting a nightclub or even going out with a hot date. My night will be very different. Tonight, I'll be cruising the streets; looking for unfortunate victims to feed my craving. I did say I'd picked out a 'killer' outfit. TOM Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac. Don’t look back you can never look back When I met my first wife, I was living high in Santa Cruz. She was a Walnut Creek Girl with a Fortune 500 Father. I a proto-hippy. One of the oddest things we share was a love of cursing. In northern California lexicon there is phrase: Cruising the Main. And of course, cruising the boardwalk was understood in 174 different languages. We young poor and in need of cheap entertainment. Oh, what a circle that was. Buckets of pills and clouds of pot. Lot and lot of free Booze. One night I even ran it to Both toms: Waits and Lehrer. LIZZIE The pelican flew over the cruise ship. The tourists took their phones out to start lives. Look, look, a bird. Most didn't even know it was a pelican. Some called him a giant seagull. But the pelican flew over again. After the lives came the photos. Social media is hungry, let's post some photos and show off our ignorance. The pelican flew back and forth. Suddenly, he pooped on the tourists. Shrieks of amusement and more lives, featuring the pooped deck. Likes, hearts, laughing emojis. Then, the pelican flew away, grunting, "bring fish, next time!" and thinking humans are idiots. NORVAL JOE With students cruising past them to class, Mandi realized she had said too much. “He has what?” Bobbi gasped. “Gotta go to the bathroom.” Mandi hurried into the girl’s room. She locked herself in a stall, pulled out her phone, and texted Sabrina. Where are you and Billbert? She read the reply quickly, opened the stall door, and ran into Bobbi, her phone still in her hand. “Who did you call?” Bobbi demanded. Mandi shrugged. “I texted Sabrina, but I don’t think it was her.” “Why?” Bobbi asked. Mandi frowned deep in thought. “She called me Linoliumanda and not Lindimindi.” PLANET Z At night on every cruise ship when the lights are turned off so you can look up and see the stars. Living in the city a lot of the night sky gets washed out by street lights. Even in the country you still get some light pollution. but out on the deep ocean you can see everything and it’s really mi...

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Long before Elon Musk released "Smart Summon" in his Tesla line of cars, George worked on a similar feature for his pirate ship. George fired a flare pistol in the air, which signaled his ship to drift to his location and pick him up. This made sense when he was standing on the docks. But when he was drunk at a bar a mile inland, well, that caused a whole lot of problems. Sailing up the street, knocking over market stalls and ruining the cobblestones, and people running away.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. When he was a kid, his family would paint eggs for Easter and hide them around the yard. Then, the kids would hunt for the eggs. Even though he was all grown up now, George yearned for the innocence of youth. So he painted cannonballs and hid them all over the ship for the crew to find. "ENEMY VESSEL TO STARBOARD!" shouted the captain. "LOAD THE CANNON!" "Where are the cannonballs?" shouted the first mate. Nothing like a little excitement to make an Easter Cannonball Egg hunt fun, right?

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. Nobody endorsed him on LinkedIn for piracy, kidnapping, sailing, looting, pillaging... Anything related to being a pirate. Every time he requested to connect to someone, they'd decline it. Nobody on the seas or land wanted to be associated with George professionally. He tried to join a few groups, but the moderators refused to accept his requests. George even tried LinkedIn Pro, which told him that a lot of pirates were checking his profile every day. A lot of big names on that list. At least they knew his name.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He'd rather buy lottery tickets than loot and pillage. And when he did loot and pillage, he'd use his shares of the booty to buy more lottery tickets. He never won anything. Well, okay, a few bucks here and there. And that one time that he won large fries at McDonalds instead of the small fries. That was something. "The odds of you winning are astronomical," said the captain. "Why do you play?" "If I lose, I don't die," said George, loading the cannon as The British Fleet approached.

George was a pirate, but he wasn't a very good pirate. He always tried to be good. He went to school and he went to church. George would go to Confession every day. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," said George. "Yes, George, I now," said Father Timothy. "I was the one you were sinning with." The Archbishop of Boston reassigned Father Timothy to another parish. George, on the other hand, was accused of lying, and he spent years in therapy. And then, one day, the therapist said: "What if we pretend to be pirates?" And, so, George did.