Kagro in the Morning

David Waldman is not April fooling. Why devote a single day of our year to cruel jokes when with Donald K. Trump, every day can be one? The real April Fools’ day is tomorrow when all, none, or some of Trump tariffs go into effect. Europeans have a plan for handling whatever Trump brings on, Americans, well, not so much. The Trump administration is warning companies throughout Europe to cut out their DEI, CRT... whatever they call it in their counties, or else. America paid El Salvador just to take their prisoners, sadly, there is no “return policy”. Oopsie! You, on the other hand, are not yet on route to a detention facility. Why is that? Doge pirates take over the Federal payroll system. The old crew walks the plank. Elon isn’t saving the government money but saved himself $500 million on the cool previous headquarters of the United States Insititute of Peace. Big Elections are happening today in Wisconsin and Florida. Congratulations to Nicholas Jacobs and Ekaterina Diestler big winners in Elon Musk’s — April Fools! No joke! Cory Booker goes to Washington and has been going Jimmy Stewart for over 15 hours as I write this.

Based on recent experience, David Waldman has been tapped to set up the Zoom on future secret White House meetings. You might have heard that our nation’s safety is in the hands of the worst group of fuckups imaginable. That’s a fact made more obvious by inviting the editor in chief of The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg, to a war planning meeting being held via a chat group on the Signal app, second only to Mar-a-Lago as a go-to espionage destination spot. Steve Witkoff took advantage of the Kremlin’s free Wi-Fi service. Joe Kent took time from hunting antifa and BLM to join the chat. But, her emails? Democrats want heads to roll. Republicans explain that the truth is, that these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand, and request a moment or a few days of silence while they notify the next of kin. Meanwhile, Donald K. Trump and the Paul, Weiss law firm pioneer a new form of agreement in which each side signs off on the version that they like the best. Eagle Ed Martin, who wants to jail women for abortions, free Jan 6 insurrectionists, and stop the steal of his own 2010 election, is honored to just have an ass so big to kiss as the head of the Office of Management and Budget.

It’s all computer! It’s taken a week, but David Waldman and Greg Dworkin have almost completed KITM’s incomprehensibly complex and possibly hazardous transition from “Skype” over to “Zoom” voice over internet protocol telephony technologies. Without alert tones, Greg can finally enter conversations through his preferred “jump scare” technique. The constitutional crisis just over the horizon has now arrived. Officially, we are still at the “Wait, what?” stage, but this administration plans to repeat it again and louder until they are completely understood. Donald K. Trump plans to deliver dozens of RSVPs to the Supreme court, inviting them over to his side of the Rubicon. If only we could just cross into Canada and buy enough beer and donuts to fix this thing that we’re going to do to them. Seriously, if they can do it to a young, pretty, lawyered up white woman, just think of what they can do to you. Days of simple heists over, DOGE thugs screwed sharper hobnails into their jackboots in order to kick the doors in over at the U.S. Institute of Peace. Presently we are at the “he said, she said” in the case, but you know the deal with this administration and paperwork... “Trump won’t win the election, he’s focusing only on his base while Biden… Harris…” bla bla bla bla bla bla. “If only Democrats could capture the white uneducated” bla bla bla bla bla bla. “Now, Democrats should embrace the most effective means of targeted disinformation yet invented and….” (Yet invented, that is.) But, hey! Trump’s poll numbers are sagging… not even 100 days in. (and maybe 100 days before independent polling becomes illegal) So, it just goes to show you, Chuck Schumer really has got a handle on this thing. Therefore, it is imperative that we focus upon… The JFK assassination documents have been released! Let’s all go over to X.com and talk about it!

David Waldman returns to the mound at KITM Stadium, pitching for the US Liberals, down by… a lot, in what feels like a pretty late inning. Hundreds of alleged Venezuelan gang members were flown to El Salvador, that is, they are alleged to be gang members, purported to be Venezuelan, maybe they weren’t US citizens, possibly weren’t just a guy with a beef with an ICE agent, who probably isn’t affiliated with an opposing gang. Sure, it seems like a constitutional crisis, but isn’t everything? The White House asks the judge, “You mad, bro?” then demands his impeachment. It’s just another example of the USA’s new sense of humor, like the plan to make Canada our northern Puerto Rico. Blaming Canada is easy, which is why we do it. Canadian soldiers, however, aren’t insects to swat away. They do seem to have a lot of tanks, missiles, jets, bullets and about four times the shared border of, say, Ukraine and Russia. Trump rehires while Elon fires as their madcap hijinks continue. DOGE makes an armed raid upon the offices of the U.S. Institute of Peace. Staff inside did stand their ground for a while but really missed a chance at creating a quite ironic Castle Doctrine case. I have personally predicted a standoff between U.S. Marshals and Secret Service for almost a decade now and continue to be incorrect. (As of 2:56 EST) Oklahoma social studies classes will teach about ‘discrepancies’ in the 2020 election. The President of the United States teaches that there are no discrepancies. There are no longer non-white soldiers in American history… at least, no famous ones. Pentagon leaker Jack Teixeira hopes that Trump will assign him to a new reality.

Welcome to Advanced Civics with Professor David Waldman. David’s been teaching this course since about the turn of the century, yet it seems as if there is always more to learn. Heck, I’ve been held back over this last decade, and I still don’t quite get it. Basically, the Senate is voting on the 2025 budget because maybe that’s better than not voting on it? Voting for it would piss off Elon Musk, but voting against it would piss off Donald K. Trump. It’s a quandary! Luckily for Senate Democrats, they have valiant leader Chuck Schumer, Donald’s newest best buddy, ready to push those glasses down to the end of his nose and… look into this. Whether Chuck’s decision is horrible/wise or horrible-wise he’ll be hearing all about it at his series of upcoming townhall meetings that he probably still believes are a “book tour”. Jon Ossoff and Reverend Raphael Warnock voted NO! Yay! But on what, and to what end? This is where it gets weedy. David tells us about clotures, the process of invoking clotures, and… how to check for ripeness? For those whom precedents take precedence, there are the Antideficiency Act, and its preceding precedent, the Feed and Forage Act. Remember, for every Stalin, Mao and Hitler, there are millions, each with the power to fix everything at any time. That is why tyrants consolidate corrupt power and eliminate human rights at every opportunity.

That’s the last time KITM hires that local kid “Big Balls” to do IT work. Yesterday’s show file wasn’t recorded… which one could only wish happened to the first 15 minutes of today’s show as David Waldman on-the-fly set up the KITM VoIP connection to Greg Dworkin. It’s the economy, stupid, and no one could possibly handle it more stupidly than Donald K. Trump. Inflation was lower than expected in February… remember February? That was so long ago. Trump’s own advisors are terrified because they see what’s coming. Americans are finally getting the picture, as if that really matters. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick hasn’t yet seen the underside of the bus but can tell you that it’s a wonderful place to be. Go see Crazy Don for crazy deals! Right behind the White House just off Pennsylvania Avenue! Green card holder, American spouse, kid on the way, Mahmoud Khali was disappeared after using his Constitutional rights in a politically incorrect (for March 2025) manner. Columbia, gem of private higher education, did exactly what Trump wanted, therefore their future destruction as an example will be doubly satisfying. Ohio, for one, welcomes their anti-DEI overlords to all of their 14 public universities and 23 public colleges. Georgetown University, in Washington DC, sees diversity, equity, and inclusion as part of their compliance to a higher authority… the Constitution. Greenland’s election was between 6 parties, 5 who want independence from Denmark, 6 who want independence from Trump. The US closed its eyes to Ukraine intelligence, encouraging the Five Eyes intelligence alliance to become the Four Eyes intelligence group, which does sound more intelligent. House Gops sent their unclean CR to the Senate. Let’s see if Dems can keep from being weenies over there now. Walt Nauta should be in jail, so of course he’s on the U.S. Navy’s board of visitors. Trump communications chief McLaurine Pinover defended DOGE Layoffs while efficiently modelling cute outfits.

Social Security workers aren’t allowed to read this story, but heading into the weekend, David Waldman and KITM have remained under the DOGE radar! Keep your fingers crossed! The first thing we do is… let’s kill all the Democratic consultants. Ok, that sounds “a little harsh”, and the one thing any consultant will tell you, is that you absolutely do not want to sound “a little harsh”, EVER. Except for when you’re knifing a friend and colleague in the back for sounding “a little harsh”. That’s just pragmatic expediency. Everyone, except possibly that person that you knifed, will forget in no time… Therefore, feel free to knife friends and colleagues in the back as often as needed. It always works! Do Republicans lie to each other like Democrats do? They lie so often, it’s hard to tell. Will Trump really be counting the gold bars in Fort Knox? Are scientists randomly dressing mice in little fedoras and bonnets? Is the Enola Gay just too gay? The blunders are stacking up everywhere. But the thing is, if stupid lies work just as well, why not? Lie with every sentence, F ’em if they can’t take a joke. Russian humor is an acquired taste, you know. At this moment, translators are putting a comedy set together for the Pentagon’s new deputy press secretary, Kingsley Wilson, and her opening act, Jack Posobiec. The parade of comedy never ends! Turning Canada and Mexico’s tariffs on and off never gets old, amirite? Expect a dozen more times with those two, perhaps fewer with China. Maine parents are required to register newborns at the Social Security office, for the LOLs. Fired federal workers bring the gift of laughter to their own relatives. DOGE revealed a secret CIA facility… but no worries, they hid it again… heh heh.