Kagro in the Morning

If you’re one of KITM’s many hardcore MAGA followers, you’re probably reading this in your local rural diner, sipping a cup o’ joe, digging into your confit pork belly and rye pain with extra cheese, contemplating how you’ve become objectively superior in all ways to all people, and frankly just hotter to everyone around you. That’s when you get that text from Elon wondering where you are and telling you to get back to work… sigh. DOGE never was about finding fraud and saving money. It’s always been about digitally couping for the lulz. It’s about taking what they want because they can. It’s about knocking the biggest things over, then daring anyone to prove that they did it. Why that’s obviously immoral, illegal, inhuman! Oh look, now they want reparations...

Happy Going! We’re all getting punchy heading into the weekend, as if the weekend will be a breather for any of us. David Waldman effectuates our weekending KITM, and I facilitate that with this summary, I hope. Donald K. Trump pardoned a corporation, yet has not appointed a horse to Senate, which might be more of a late term thing. Polytheism seems to be wearing thin in Trump/Musk circles, with Elon Musk’s pride goething before his fall. Thou shalt bow down thyself only onto Trump in Cabinet meetings. (Graven images available at the door.) Two people guilty of not praising Donald enough are being investigated for treason, while Trump shops for his presidential Luger. Marco Rubio is punishing the country of South Sudan for not accepting the Democratic Republic of the Congo citizen he sent there by mistake. The commander of a Greenland military base was ousted when she failed to rattle her saber loudly enough for JD Vance. US tells Greenland “I see you have Injuns! We have Injuns!” Kennedy Center president Richard Grenell believes people boycotting the Kennedy Center hate Republicans, when mostly they hate Richard Grenell. What happens when the courts can’t trust the Executive Branch? Well, we are about to find out, because the courts can’t trust the Executive Branch. Learn more about courts of equity, such as the Court of Chancery. Kash Patel plans to work remotely in his FBI position but wasn’t remotely working in his ATF job. Hey now… there’s no proof that Marjorie Taylor Green participated in insider trading this week, or placed pipe bombs prior to Jan 6… It just looks like that. RFK Jr. will discover the cause of autism by this fall, but if you have cancer, you’ll need to wait a little longer. It’s only TLDR if you don’t take the time to read it! How did the President lose and when did he lose it in the SCOTUS Alien Enemy Act case? Curtis Yarvin always wanted to destroy the United States and the global economy, yet somehow still feels empty inside.

Why pay more? For far less than the hourly rate of a psychiatrist, David Waldman can address much of the anxiety that you, and he, suffer beneath the surface of each day. Dollar for dollar, KITM sooths and informs better than most barbers, bartenders, or even Uber drivers. Try some today! While you’re doing that, do something else! There’s plenty to be done and you’re the one to do it. You have to do it, no one else is going to do it, they are too busy doing their part. Don’t make us tariff you. Yesterday, Donald K. Trump pitched the world into a steep nosedive, before parachuting out somewhere over the Doral golf course. What was he thinking? Great minds struggle to decipher and explain Trump’s tariff calculations, failing to consider that tiny minds came up with it. Actually, it’s not difficult to see that these tariffs are just another way to leverage and measure acquiescence and obsequence. How can the Democrats ever pull us out of this horrible spin? IEEPA! Don’t ask Trump anything about SignalGate. Don’t ask him about anything. Please don’t ask him about his $5 million instant citizen gold card. Interim and future U.S. attorney for the District of Columbia, Ed Martin is as Trumpy as they come, alarming federal prosecutors across the political spectrum. There’s no point along any spectrum unalarmed by Laura Loomer, who unfortunately has Trump’s rear, uh, “ear” to whisper sweet enemy lists into. The 5th floor window that General Timothy Haugh, the director of the National Security Agency and US Cyber Command was shoved out of was in fact, not literal, as the deep state had all of office windows sealed due to “the environment”. South Koreans are still puzzling over why their leader declared martial law, while Americans are puzzling over how to get our justice system to work half as well as the South Korean’s.

David Waldman is not April fooling. Why devote a single day of our year to cruel jokes when with Donald K. Trump, every day can be one? The real April Fools’ day is tomorrow when all, none, or some of Trump tariffs go into effect. Europeans have a plan for handling whatever Trump brings on, Americans, well, not so much. The Trump administration is warning companies throughout Europe to cut out their DEI, CRT... whatever they call it in their counties, or else. America paid El Salvador just to take their prisoners, sadly, there is no “return policy”. Oopsie! You, on the other hand, are not yet on route to a detention facility. Why is that? Doge pirates take over the Federal payroll system. The old crew walks the plank. Elon isn’t saving the government money but saved himself $500 million on the cool previous headquarters of the United States Insititute of Peace. Big Elections are happening today in Wisconsin and Florida. Congratulations to Nicholas Jacobs and Ekaterina Diestler big winners in Elon Musk’s — April Fools! No joke! Cory Booker goes to Washington and has been going Jimmy Stewart for over 15 hours as I write this.

Based on recent experience, David Waldman has been tapped to set up the Zoom on future secret White House meetings. You might have heard that our nation’s safety is in the hands of the worst group of fuckups imaginable. That’s a fact made more obvious by inviting the editor in chief of The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg, to a war planning meeting being held via a chat group on the Signal app, second only to Mar-a-Lago as a go-to espionage destination spot. Steve Witkoff took advantage of the Kremlin’s free Wi-Fi service. Joe Kent took time from hunting antifa and BLM to join the chat. But, her emails? Democrats want heads to roll. Republicans explain that the truth is, that these are not very bright guys, and things got out of hand, and request a moment or a few days of silence while they notify the next of kin. Meanwhile, Donald K. Trump and the Paul, Weiss law firm pioneer a new form of agreement in which each side signs off on the version that they like the best. Eagle Ed Martin, who wants to jail women for abortions, free Jan 6 insurrectionists, and stop the steal of his own 2010 election, is honored to just have an ass so big to kiss as the head of the Office of Management and Budget.