Kagro in the Morning

David Waldman is BACK for the Friday KITM, then GONE for the weekend, then BACK on the Monday KITM! See how that works? In local, to KITM World Headquarters, news, the University of Virginia and Virginia Commonwealth University can’t operate any “illegal” DEI programs to get federal funding, and they really like federal funding, therefore they’re obeying anticipatorily. The White House appreciates their cooperation and will now require the resignation of the University of Virginia’s president. In even more local news, the Superintendent of Loudoun Schools, Aaron Spence eloquently describes how Trump can kiss his DEI-loving ass. Meanwhile, a selling point for a four-year degree has always been where you’ll be spending those four years. People assumed someone had fixed the DOGE by cutting off Big Balls, but he’s only been tucked away, out of sight. The US is slashing overseas pro-democracy initiatives, yet Samuel Samson over at the US State Department wanted your tax money to go to anti-democracy initiatives to support Marine Le Pen. Le Pen had the self-respect to turn him down. Remember when real men were both strong and silent? Why can’t we try bringing back those days again? Why are supervillains always such big mouths?

David Waldman is solo today, in front of the microphone, and behind. So, ease off of him, will ya? Hallelujah! Donald K. Trump and his BFF, God, declared peace for our time yesterday… No... PEACE FOR ALL TIME! No more holy wars, only eternal holy love from… Hold on, we have breaking news that Donald’s estimate was a bit off… or perhaps God’s... FUUUUU… Oh, well, Trump cannot fail his children, they can only fail him. Calm down everybody. Except for the shooting and the bombs and the dying and such, there’s all sorts of peace between Iran and Israel. Raise the Mission Accomplished banners, quick, and engrave those Nobel medals today, just in case. Y’know, Kamala and Hilary told us this would happen. Give Americans two weeks, and they’ll have forgotten all about this. Meanwhile, rule of law, democracy, etc. remain concerns. Masked gunmen ride into town, beating and intimidating citizens, which used to be frowned upon. Now the villains defy courts and common sense with impunity. The Supreme Court’s ruling in DHS v. D.V.D. might sound unfamiliar, but has removed due process, and will maybe kill thousands of immigrants. Why the long face, Emil? Emil Bove is finding out that recommending the violation of court orders is unbecoming for a judge, maybe even a lawyer.

Give me a "K! ..."K"! give me an "I"! ..."I"! Give me a "T"! ..."T" Give me a "M"! ..."M"! WHATS THAT SPELL? David Waldman and Greg Dworkin return this week with a golden oldie that some of you out there might remember: Well, come on all of you big strong men, Uncle Sam needs your help again. He got himself in a terrible jam, way down yonder in Iran! Put down your books and pick up a gun, we're gunna have a whole lotta fun! Turns out that Donakd… Donald K. Trump has never been awfully TACO when it comes to other people’s lives… and we’re talking Muslims here. He’s also not against regime change when it’s other people’s regimes. However, he hates capitalism when it gets in the way of his capitalism. And, never, ever, dare to take his limelight. CHORUS And its 1,2,3 what are we fightin for? Don't ask me, I don't give a damn, the next stop is Iran. And its 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates. Well, there ain't no time to wonder why... Whoopee we're all gunna die! It appears that Donald and Bibi arranged to reach around and wag each other's dogs in Iran. It was an intimate circle wag, however, so Democrats and JD Vance weren’t invited. People could watch it on the internet if they chose to, and even Pete Hegseth got midnight hammered... Now come on wall street don't be so slow, why man this's war a-go-go-go! There's plenty good money to be made, supplyin' the army with the tools of the trade. Just hope and pray that when they drop the bomb, they drop it on the other ones! … Anyhow, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, except Trump is no W, more of an L. Who knows what the future might bring? (We kind of know...) CHORUS And its 1,2,3 what are we fightin for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn, the next stop is Iran. And its 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates. Well, there ain't no time to wonder why...Whoopee we're all gunna die! Now, come on generals let's move fast, your big chance is here at last. Tonight, you go out and get those reds, cuz the only good commie is one that’s dead, You know that peace can only be won, when you blow em all to kingdom come! CHORUS And its 1,2,3 what are we fightin for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn, the next stop is Iran. And its 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates. Well, there ain't no time to wonder why...Whoopee we're all gunna die! … Oh, and there’s an election in New York City. Vote Zohran. ABC: Anybody but Cuomo. Not as a joke, not out of name recognition, this is ranked choice voting, so too many second-choice picks could elect the wrong guy... Now come on mothers throughout the land, pack your boys off to Iran. Come on fathers don't hesitate, send your sons off before it's too late, Be the first one on your block, to have your boy come home in a box! CHORUS And its 1,2,3 what are we fightin for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn, the next stop is Iran. And its 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates. Well, there ain't no time to wonder why...Whoopee we're all gunna die!

KITM AV department intern David Waldman hopes to get a break from all of his breaks soon, but there’s always something... ICE is SAD! Wherever the ICE men goeth, tragedy strikes… them. Beating immigrants while cosplaying as ISIS hasn’t captured the hearts of Americans like they hoped. Detainees start whining after only days of being held without charges, some even skip out without even a “thank you”. The constant bruising of ICE agent knees on Hispanic testicles has become an almost untenable occupational hazard. And now, elected officials are almost everywhere, clogging the treads of the boots of justice, as if voters elected them to do things like that! Can’t people see their guns? Meanwhile, Gavin Newsom fights tyranny with guerrilla trolling. We should be so glad that Trump’s two weeks never finish. When Trump says, “two weeks”, he means “never”. When he says, “90 days”, he means “forever”. The day that Donald has truly been waiting for, is that day he won’t be expected to give an update.

David Waldman is back on the air again, LIVE! Greg Dworkin returns, with mega polls! No, not Trump’s high poles, but Trump’s low polls, along with the latest takeaways from the KITM World Headquarters Primaries… well, Virginia primaries, same difference. Will TikTok TACO Trump chicken out with Iran? We’re talking about millions of actual lives here... so maybe not. MAGA thought they opposed such things as “forever wars”, but they’ll get over it, like their opposition to Russia. It’s easy to do when you think about it, and even easier when you don’t. You’d think that making conspiracy theorists put up or shut up would put them in some sort of bind, but these are a spunky and resilient group of whackadoodles. Confronted with a tragically factual Christian nationalist assassin, they expeditiously took reality lemons and turned them into MAGA lemonade. Chinese license plates and thousands of cards stole the 2020 election for Bernie Sanders. Not many people know that. Donald K. Trump is objectively bad for America. Journalists are hesitant to point that out, lest their network soapboxes be turned into real ones. Still, with protests, it pays to not give MAGA a seed of truth to roll their dung around. Nonviolence is the way. Then later, we’ll impeach the bastard, maybe this term, maybe his third or fourth. Four execs from the top tech companies in Silicon Valley have joined the Army Reserve but probably won’t be putting boots down in Isfahan soon or even in the next two weeks. They were of course invited because of their special technological genius. NYC tycoons are saying “There goes the neighborhood” if Zohran Mamdani moves in.

David Waldman continues his sojourn in the Virgin Islands, getting away from it all, but not escaping from his responsibility to KITM listeners, with this brand-new pre-recorded podcast! Donald K. Trump is king now. At least, that’s what he purports. Donald purports a lot. The problem is the people who believe him, or purport to. The big problem is when the Trump Supreme Court turns purports into edicts. One can usually determine how far they’ve become detached from reality by the number of people who disagree with them. Thanks to modern science those days are over. Machines will simp you like you never been simped before.

Some of y’all can’t handle two high agency men, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin, talking over each other… but if you can, you came to a good place. And yet, there's no way to delay that trouble coming every day. We all know what happens when armed forces are deployed as police. Donald K. Trump knows. Even his idiot son can figure it out. What really happened outside the Paramount Home Depot doesn’t matter to Homan, Miller, Hegseth or Trump. It’s what they can do to bait all of the protestors, or even just one or two of them. The White House dropped a steaming pile of memoranda that only smells like it violated Posse Comitatus. The Guard is only there to “put down rebellion”, and rebellious protestors always have the choice to turn off their cell phones or be put down. California Gov. Gavin Newsom invited Tom Homan onto his podcast but won’t pay his airfare. The full force of the DOJ and FBI were brought to bear on the world’s most notorious super criminal Kilmar Abrego Garcia, in order to come up with something with which to charge him. Now they can all go back to arresting the Deep State like they promised they would. That’ll finally make America great again. Trump’s fat ugly bill increases the national debt by $2.4 trillion, but more importantly it will kick 11 million people off their health insurance. As always, the cruelty is the point. Fox is running out of carpet to sweep the Trump tariffs under. Each day it becomes harder to outrun the facts on Trump deportations. Whatever happened to the US-Britain trade deal? You’d think that this administration wasn’t being completely honest with everyone.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin pull out all the stops on today’s KITM! David predicted that North Korea would be the US Hassle Target of the Day, but who would guess that it would turn out to be Burma! That and every other country darker than Trump’s spray tan. That’s the same criteria Stephen Miller has outlined for ICE deportations. The problem is, MAGA knows some of “those good ones”. They’d never eat dinner with those people, of course, but they sure enjoyed being served dinner by them. Time for Trump’s three-word EO: “No, not them.” Meanwhile, arrest the moms, arrest their kids, arrest them all, let Trump sort them out. The Trump administration is spending $2 million to figure out whether those people cause plane crashes. If the report comes to conclusions that Trump doesn’t like, they’ll bury it, like the recent Agriculture Department trade analysis. Or say it’s a Dem cult, like the American Bar Association, the Congressional Budget Office, or Jews. Howard Lutnick wants retribution over reciprocity even when neither is deserved. Trump cut nearly 2,500 NIH research grants as whatever the cure was wasn’t going to be named after him anyhow. Elon Musk is gone but not forgotten. Big Balls carries on. ICE is hot for the DC career conscious, but that leaves the counter-terrorism field wide open for enterprising grocery store clerks like Thomas Fugate, whose eyebrow game in on point. Andrew Cuomo is somehow, again, the guy to beat for NYC Mayor, while in Canada they like their winners a lot more than their losers.