Jay & Miles X-Plain the X-Men

In which the Twelve should really be twelve chapters long; Archangel has issues; we continue to bemoan the absence of captions; the X-Men ditch their crossover event for a side quest; Magneto is Genosha’s official chaperone; and we would absolutely elect Emma Frost to a school board.

Survival of the Toothiest (Cable #75) In which we begin our coverage of The Twelve; Scott and Jean get sucked back in AGAIN; Apocalypse probably doesn’t tip; and we have become awfully fond of Cable. X-PLAINED: A codename that deviates from common patterns The story so far Uncanny X-Men #376 Cable #75 X-Men #96 Fiz the Skrull (again) The Twelve Foreshadowing, both accurate and otherwise The Living Monolith (more) (again) That one font Time-travel logic Cable vs. eyes Fabian Cortez (more) (again) A trap Why the Twelve are the Twelve The evolution of Cable NEXT EPISODE: The Twelve continues! Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog. Find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here! Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

In which Cable may or may not have been a spokesperson for AT&T; it’s impossible to draw a CD dramatically; Wolverine gets his adamantium back; Apocalypse says the thing; and we probably can’t keep putting off The Twelve forever.

In which the Shattering officially concludes; you can’t swoop over the phone; toddlers are engines of pure chaos; the X-Men do some processing; and we are mildly scandalized by the absence of footnotes.

In which St. Croix History reminds us of a Martian with a big butt; Penance’s escape is ambiguous; Avengers Academy Infinity Comic successfully reinvents Emplate; you should not learn to flirt from Vanilla Ice; Jubilee fires two fireworks blasts into the air whilst going aaahhh; and we go in through the ears. X-PLAINED: Apocalypse’s influence The Big House (about which we are confused) Generation X #58 Cartier and/or Louis St. Croix Our college’s Dean, naked jogger Things that are sharp in the woods HUMP Penance (Hollow) Emplate, spoiled teenager Generation X Annual 1999 Epistolary fonts Jubilee’s pre-X past Round Wolverine Hunter Brawn (again, sigh) Recognizing random dudes from pictures Dad Things and Dad Pipes Juggernaut and Black Tom as a relationship model Jubilee, competent veteran A murder mystery Legault, cosplaying bodyguard Taking notes on comics Magneto’s telepathy-blocking (or not) helmet NEXT EPISODE: Wolverine's dead! And Wolverine's back! Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog. Find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here! Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

In which Nightcrawler has a type; the Hill is a bad place to raise your kids up; Colossus introduces Marrow to art; we come out against autotrepanation; Mikhail Rasputin never learns; Destiny leaves clues from beyond the grave; and The Twelve looms.

In which Lenore Zann joins us to talk Rogue, Canadian politics, and her upcoming memoir!

In which “Astonishing X-Men” is something of a misnomer; Death has a good look; sometimes you just need a guy who swoops; Miles stops worrying and learns to love Nate Grey; Telekinesis is silly looking; “Wolverine” dies; and nothing really changes.

In which X-Force is kind of silly; that really isn’t what “quantum” means; polite and lawful are two entirely different things, and Sam Guthrie is only one of them; Selene vogues; and the Hellfire Club plays the dead girlfriend card.

In which Gambit is fundamentally goofy; t’ieves love research; Magneto was ripped; Professor Xavier remains a jerk; Miles attempts to convey something very fundamentally visual in an audio format; Marrow is adorable; the X-Men pretty much disband (again); and a miniseries is the opposite of a vacation.

In which the 1990s were very long; if you die in the simulation, you die in real life; Adrienne Frost is a bad person with good clothes; we judge the number 57; things just keep happening; and Penance somehow gets even more complicated.

In which Magneto may be right but is also wildly impractical; X-Force goes on a sneaking mission; Magneto isn’t mad, he’s just disappointed; Rictor and Shatterstar return; Strong is not a common surname in the Marvel universe; and being a mutant on TV doesn’t mean you’re one in the comics. X-PLAINED: How Jubilee became a vampire The most X-treme youth of them all X-Force 94-95 X-Force Annual 1999 Genosha Butler disambiguation Clown jobs A team-up predicated on an awkward breakup Hammer Town Delphi Memory boxes Several potential continuity error Names Genoshan robots Archie A hierarchy of potential fates Vershiagen Industries and/or Vershlagen Industries V2 Hanrancha Stronghold Martin Strong Freddie Michelle Balters (Neurotap) (more) (again) Communication with X-teams A sudden and depressing resolution Continuity across media Why Gambit doesn’t (usually) throw tarot cards NEXT EPISODE: The Return of the Hellions (kinda) The visual companion to this episode will be up later this week! Find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here! Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

In which Synch is better with your powers than you are; Generation X gets some actual training; Artie and Leech are fully feral; everyone gets the hots for Paladin; Zeus has probably fucked a motorcycle at some point; many countries have valleys; and Adrienne Frost is terrible.

In which Devin Toohey joins Miles to discuss X-Men’s DC Comics cousin Doom Patrol, and their bastard Amalgam child, X-Patrol! X-PLAINED: X-Men vs. Doom Patrol Meet Your Doom Doom Patrol Amalgam X-Patrol Elasti-Girl (Amalgam) Shatterstarfire Beastling Ferro Man Dial H.U.S.K. X-Patrol #1 Exciting X-Patrol #1 Niles Cable Dr. Doomsday Superhero aviation Brother Brood Raveniya Niles Dayspring Technoorganic lettering Claw mechanics Magneto on X-Force Real-life Dazzler and Lila Cheney analogs NEXT EPISODE: Generation X goes to Madripoor! Want to hire J&MXPtXM producer Matt Hunter to produce your podcast? Email him! Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog! Find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here! Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

In which Tommy Lee Edwards draws a damned fine everything; death gods get taken a lot less seriously when their avatars are seagulls; warm and cool colors get in a fight; Domino has no time for this bullshit; Cable and Domino wait ’til the kids are asleep; Sunspot’s alibi is too complicated; X-Force forges a pouches path; Engines are nothing but trouble; and Ry’lor the Destroyer puts himself in time out. X-PLAINED: The Norse Pantheon of 2099 X-Force #91-93 One of the best X-covers ever Our favorite Siryn story Jesse Aaronson, penitent chef Sean Cassidy, penitent dad A realistically anticlimactic breakup Cassidy/Rourke history Bring Your Daughter to Crimes Day Napoleon Sanders An epistolary montage The dusty pink word balloons of Tom Waits A missed Manos-portunity The Chaos Engine Halloween Jack Domino’s varied musical tastes Ry’lor the Destroyer Kodo the Komodo Bedlam’s extremely situational powers Astarte and Electryon Horniness as a superpower The Temple of the Dying Sun Cable & Corsair’s (lack of) history Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope, and Hope NEXT EPISODE: Miles and guest host Devin talk X-Patrol, 1996's X-Force / Doom Patrol mash-up! Want to hire J&MXPtXM producer Matt Hunter to produce your podcast? Email him! Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog! Find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here! Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

In which the theme is too many inkers; Cecilia Reyes has no patience for your bullshit; Genosha’s going to be just fine (it’s not); we would watch a supercut of Fabian Cortez getting punched; we bid an abrupt farewell to Gaia; and comics are exhausting, yet captivating. X-PLAINED: Dazzler’s murder trial X-Men Unlimited #24 The past and future of X-Men Unlimited Doctor Cecilia Reyes Ghost Pirate Cap’n Bloodscream Wolverine and friends Pushing your kid out of a plane as a basic first aid skill Banter The Silver Samurai (Keniuchio Harada) Sunfire and the Big Hero Six Projectile-based wordplay Irene Adler, spoiler machine Genosha (again) The Cabinet of Doctor Lensherr Magneto’s panties Stupid metaphors Football stars and their football cars Magneto’s nuanced and baby-filled past Generation X #51 Hunter & Tristan Brawn Helicopter grandparents Artie & Leech, perpetual moppets Emma Frost, forever traumatized Generation X’s new costumes Gaia as the Bird Boy of Generation X Peach Momoko’s Ultimate Armor Sauron and the Lizard’s agendas and fashion Comic book collecting preferences NEXT EPISODE: Some damned fine X-Force. Want to hire J&MXPtXM producer Matt Hunter to produce your podcast? Email him! Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog! Find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here! Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

In which there’s nothing inherently wrong with monster-of-the-week; Marrow’s makeover extends to her font; Red Skull gets a Power Glove; Marvel sets up a slate of spinoffs; and you should hire Matt Hunter to produce your podcast! X-PLAINED: What Danger’s been up to lately Uncanny X-Men #371 X-Men #91 X-Men Annual 1999 Crossover cover design Skrullverine Machine Man Dethlok vs. Dethklok Jack Truman (Agent 18) (to some extent) A nice dress An awkward reunion Gambit as a mentor Billy G. A daring but silly rescue Several upcoming series Marrow’s bone bikini and/or pubes Whether Rogue can absorb animals NEXT EPISODE: Cecilia Reyes returns from retirement! Want to hire J&MXPtXM producer Matt Hunter to produce your podcast? Email him! Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog! Find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here! Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

In which Roadhouse is basically a Wolverine story; Spider-Man does crimes; space names are derivative; there are lots of good reasons to yell at Professor Xavier; the X-Men do Doctor Who; Galactus is not interested in your puny human feelings; Marrow gets a new look; the Skrulls need a crash course in UI; and we overthink bones. X-PLAINED: The time the Skrulls did “A Piece of the Action” The trouble with benevolent dictatorships X-Men #89-90 Uncanny X-Men #370 A New York City that is not in fact New York City “Spider-Man” A ruse Faces Skrull problems Mar-Vell Adam Warlock Sass vs. joviality Skrull Cop City Disguises Nova (Frankie Raye) How Galactus eats planets Condiments Several melees Bone pubes Skrull UI Whether Moopsy could drink Wolverine’s bones X-Musicals NEXT EPISODE: The return of Douglock! The Roald Dahl short story whose title Jay couldn’t recall is “Beware of the Dog.” Check out the visual companion to this episode on our blog. Find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here! Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

SPOILER WARNING: ALL OF THEM, NONSTOP In which Barry Windsor-Smith is too sexy for television; we know what happens when unstable molecules get struck by lightning; X-Men gets political and does it spectacularly; this Captain America would not sew the cape; Magneto continues to throw things into space; and they kissed and we missed it. X-PLAINED: Fabian Cortez’s name X-Men ’97 episodes 6-10 Lifedeath I & II: a surprising adaptation Varying levels of going in blind A somewhat different and possibly better Forge The Adversary vs. the Owl Queen Stormiest and least-Stormy costumes Professor Charles Xavier, Official Space Boyfriend Colonialism vs. Identity Delayed catharsis The narrative power of altered opening credits What makes allyship effective (and not) Justified mutant anger The worst version of Nina DaCosta What makes Prime Sentinels scary Summers family feels The best damned fight scenes out there Bastion, robo-avatar of conservative white patriarchy Simultaneous crossovers A psychic gay bar A last boss arena Acolyte equivalencies Phoenix Ex Machina Crying Whether Magneto was right Apoca-futures and Apoca-pasts A bulletin board and our hopes for its contents Soft Serve Kitty Pryde’s coffee shop AU X-Men ’97 as the perfect gateway NEXT EPISODE: Skrulls! LINKS AND FURTHER READING: The Judgment of Magneto by Asher Elbein No visual companion this week! Find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men is 100% ad-free and listener supported. If you want to help support the podcast–and unlock more cool stuff–you can do that right here! Buy rad swag at our TeePublic shop!

In which we put the comics on hold to take a look at X-Men ’97; it is still always Inferno in here; Wolverine is best used sparingly; a Marvel show finally embraces politics; Wolverine is best in small doses; Madeylne Pryor still always deserves better; Jubilee grows up; and we are all in on this series.